Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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