i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Can I color on your dick again?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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