a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
