The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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