I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
