Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
