girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
