; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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