I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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