That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
