Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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