there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
