every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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