I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I think my fart just growled at me.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
