I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
