Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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