Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
