I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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