She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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