Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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