Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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