It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize