fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
