It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize