I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
