the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
