What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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