i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Drunk is not a location!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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