There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
