my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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