he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
