dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
