I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
