I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
