At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
