I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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