did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
