The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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