I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
