My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
