why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
