i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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