i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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