this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
