Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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