i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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