im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize