??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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