woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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