It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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