i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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