Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
