You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
