Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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