i wish my penis had a tongue
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
