i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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