girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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