Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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