Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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