I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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