just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
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