Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
a search helicopter?!
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
